Thank you for your purchase of the MyStar Multi-wave Device.
Dear consumer,
We sincerely thank you for your purchase. Before you continue, please take note that by opening the packaging on your new MyStar home cell tower / Wi-Fi / My-Fi / restaurant grade microwave unit, you assume all risks and indemnities herein, and acknowledge that any text on said package touting the product as “100% effective,” “Fully safe for pregnant women, infants, and livestock,” or “Energy Star rated at just cents per day” were the result of poor translation at a Malaysian printing plant.
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The text originally intended for the product packaging included the following statements, which per the introductory paragraph, you have conceded to regardless of whether or not you have read these warnings or have already skipped ahead to the quick setup guide:
“At times up to 32% functional!”
“Moderately safe for pregnant women.”
“Infants within 400 feet should be wrapped in 3 layers of tinfoil.”
“Livestock that are exposed to the MyStar must be immediately incinerated, whether alive or dead.”
“Energy star banned due to electric costs upward of four thousand dollars per minute, or even more when unit is switched from stand-by to warm-up mode.”
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Please consider your hopes and dreams before continuing.)
This page left mostly blank, but not left completely intentionally blank. Please place this page within a 7 foot radius of the MyStar before operating the device. After the MyStar is placed in stand-by mode, you must closely monitor the status of this page. Should this page catch fire, you must:
1. Immediately flee the MyStar device.
2. Contact your power company. If the automated menu prompts you to enter an extension, press 666. If the automated menu prompts you to say why you are calling, calmly state “MyStar device has initiated phased hyper-volt mode.”
3. If your locality is serviced by a nuclear power plant, you must call the Department of Homeland Security. When prompted to state why you are calling, calmly state “MyStar supernova.” Wait seven seconds. Then yell “Red dwarf! Red dwarf!” They will know what this means.
(This page left intentionally blank. If nothing else, think of your loved ones.
While the MyStar may be non-refundable, can you really place a price tag on the rest of your life?
And if you could, wouldn’t that price tag read so much more than $18,999?)
Please note that when wrapping children under the age of 5 in tinfoil, special care must be taken to ensure that the child’s airways are kept clear. We recommend that you only wrap the child’s trunk and legs with tinfoil, and purchase the protective titanium child’s sized helmet from the MyStar e-store for approved, fully-ventilated cranial protection. Alternatively, simply send the child to its grandparents before operating the MyStar, provided they live no closer than 3 miles from the MyStar installation site.
(This page filled with heart-warming photographs of small children holding butterflies.)
MyStar Quick Setup Guide
1. Remove all packaging.
2. Take care not to remove the inner layer of molded HDPE plastic from the MyStar; this layer is labeled “Non-removable HDPE shell.”
3. Do ensure that you have removed the outer layer of molded HDPE, as there is a layer of bubble-wrap between it and the inner molded layer of HDPE that will catch fire and emit toxic fumes if not removed. Please note that due to a typo, the outer layer is also labeled “Non-removable HDPE shell.”
4. Open the 6 power-cable hatches which circle the bottom ring of the MyStar. Extend each retractable 220-volt plug from it’s port and connect to its own isolated 220-volt outlet.
5. Once you have donned protective gear and followed all applicable warnings from page 3 of these instructions, you may place the MyStar into stand-by mode.
6. When the status indicator light at the top of the MyStar begins flashing bright red pulses exactly .6 seconds apart, you may place the MyStar into warm-up mode. Placing the MyStar into warm-up mode too early will void all warranties.
7. If the status indicator light flashes red .7 seconds apart or faster, you must not place the MyStar into warm-up mode. You must wait for the MyStar to cycle through the remainder of it’s standby mode; the status indicator will reach .6 second intervals again in 10 to 28 hours. Placing the MyStar into warm-up mode after the status indicator light has begun flashing .7 seconds apart or faster will void your fertility and may have an adverse affect upon your genetic makeup.
8. Once the MyStar has been placed into warm-up mode, it will cycle through internal operations until it is able to be activated. When ready, it will emit a tone, approximately the F above middle C, at 240 decibels. Hearing protection is strongly encouraged.
9. If not mentioned earlier, please ensure that the MyStar is not operating within 25 miles of any airport or heliport.
(Dammit, for the love of all that is holy, are you not even reading these intentionally blank pages or what? We left them mostly blank to try and get your impending doom to sink in, not to make you feel proud for reading 12 pages in the blink of an eye! Well, have it your way. Don’t order the protective lead operator’s overcoat and titanium helmet, don’t wait the 4 to 12 days for the safety capsule to ship halfway around the world from our warehouse, and don’t arrange with your local codes inspector, fire marshal, and FBI regional bureau chief for the federally mandated installation review and buyer’s remorse counseling.
Just plug the damn thing in already.
You are clearly as oblivious to reason as our engineering, product testing, and legal departments.)
Congratulations again on becoming a proud owner of a MyStar home cell tower / Wi-Fi / My-Fi / restaurant grade microwave unit! Should your MyStar provide you with all four of those capabilities without causing you permanent injury or genetic mutation, you will have joined a very elite group of people! Friend them on Facebook at facebook.com/MyStarSurvivors.
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on which the authorities shall record the names of the dead.)
Labels: humor, writing
